Open the Box of Loneliness

If we open the box of loneliness and look inside, it may look different for individuals and at other times in life.

Open the Box of Loneliness

This past week I looked into my current box of loneliness. It was an exercise I felt strong enough to carry out with the help of a life coach. Each of us must decide when and how we will take a step toward healing. My goal in this article is to help you see whether this is something you want to tackle.

A Little Background

I have experienced many challenging relationships, starting with my mother. Yet, I’ve made significant progress with the help of therapy, holistic healers, meditation, and journaling. Each time I peeled back the layers of emotion to find the source of my pain, there were supportive friends, family, or professionals.

My journey was arduous at times, but as long as I took small steps with someone nearby to help me up when I stumbled, I made it through to the other side.

What is Loneliness?

Don’t we all know what loneliness is? Since it is an emotion, it can be experienced differently by each of us.

For instance, isolation from a pandemic may be a terrible punishment for an extrovert. But on the other hand, some introverts may have breathed a sigh of relief after getting over the initial shock of this experience.

Psychologist Nick Wignall offers a psychological definition:

Loneliness is an emotion characterized by the feeling of pain caused by a perceived lack of intimacy with other people or ourselves.

This definition seems to cover it.

Loneliness Inside a Relationship

Specifically, I’m referring to a romantic relationship. However, one event leaped to the forefront as I reflected on the loneliest moments in my life.

I was driving on an interstate highway, preparing to exit onto another busy divided four-lane road. Although I had been attempting to get my husband to participate in a conversation, the loneliness hit me in my gut at that moment. Then, finally, the words erupted from my mouth.

“I’ve never felt this lonely in my entire life.”

My husband suddenly looked up.

“What do you mean?”

I explained how lonely I felt when he chose to read his Kindle rather than talk to me. Yet, he told me how much he enjoyed my company. The reality was my loneliness would continue due to the differences between us. By this time, I knew I was powerless to change others. Instead, I explored more avenues of self-care.

Loneliness from Grief

When someone has left our lives, this loneliness may be unavoidable. For me, I’m physically alone. My close relatives and friends are far away because I decided to move to a new location before the recent losses of my husband and mother.

A voice inside knew this was my time to deal with grief from eight years ago. At that time, I avoided loneliness by keeping busy at work and hiring someone to replace my deck. Now I have no distractions. My choice is certainly not for everyone. But I knew the only way I would open the box of loneliness was here, where nature comes to visit and my dog, Sugar, comforts me.

Emotions Don’t Have to be Scary.

Dealing with our emotions can be unsettling, especially if we have avoided them in the past. However, taking small steps toward feeling less lonely may be as simple as understanding ourselves better.

While writing this article, I came across Nick Wignall’s articles on mental health. One of my favorite blogs is about self-awareness. Furthermore, finding Nick’s simple website engaging tells me something about myself. His clean, organized, and thorough website epitomizes my need for order. And the smile on my face tells me how much I enjoy helping you with my writing. Thank you for reading.

Boldly Follow Your Way in Life

Never worry whether you can boldly follow your way in life. Each of us finds our level of boldness.

Boldly Follow Your Way in Life

Does this headline scare you or expand your heart space? These two reactions are right next to each other. One step forward brings you closer to expansion.

Sometimes, the unknown future keeps us rooted in a spot of fear.

How to Overcome Fear

Fear lives in our thoughts about the future. We feed our fear by choosing to question our power.

What if I don’t know the answers to the test? How will I perform in the new job? I don’t know anyone in my unique situation. How will I make new friends?

Instead, use your thoughts to review a personal triumph or known success of others.

I’ve done well on tests before. Every new job has a learning curve, and my new manager knows that. Once I’m in a unique situation, the unknown becomes the known. I’ve made new friends before by following my interests.

One Simple Tool Helps

Since fear lives in our thoughts of the future, we use a tool to live in the present. This tool helps you boldly follow your way in life.

Taking one deep breath brings you to the present.
Lower your gaze to the floor, and take another deep breath.
Continue to breathe normally, noticing how your body reacts.
Bring your focus to your breath, whether you can feel the breath at your nostrils, the rise and fall of your belly or your lungs filling with air.

Of course, you must be in a safe place when you use this simple tool. So safety is your first concern.

Practice This Tool Often

How many times have you practiced something before you needed it? For example, did you play with dolls as a child, practicing how to be a parent? Or perhaps you made mud pies and practiced cooking.

By spending time each day practicing mindful deep breathing, you can more easily live in the moment.

Some people call this meditation. You can call it whatever you want. It’s your life and your choice to follow your way in life boldly.

Give yourself credit each time you make forward progress, and forgive yourself when you stumble. We all have ups and downs. Take time to celebrate every improvement. You are worth it.

Letting Go of the Past Brings Joy

Do you want to experience a new, more accurate you? Letting go of the past brings joy by filling the void with possibilities for the future. As a result, you experience less emotional baggage and open up the room to develop into your true self.

Letting Go of the Past Brings Joy

I clearly remember when my friend said, “Let it go. Just let it go.” The subject of my rant was the judgment I felt from my mother. My internal response was anger. Since I grew up with the illusion that anger is an unacceptable emotion, I pushed the anger down. I felt it was impossible to let it go.

What is a better response?

Lower your gaze and take a deep breath into your energy center, just below your belly button.
With compassion for yourself and your friend, respond,

“That feels like a kick in my gut. Can you help me decipher where that discomfort is coming from?”

At this point, your friend might be angry, have hurt feelings, or they might welcome the opportunity to help. It’s okay.

The most important result of this scenario is that you made a giant leap toward letting go of the past.

What is Anger?

Anger is an illusion. It lives in your past. When my friend responded to my outpouring of frustration, my anger response was in the past. Specifically, it lived in the seconds before I acknowledged my anger. Furthermore, my lifetime of hurt and disappointment fueled the flames of emotion.

This concept that anger is an illusion because it lives in the past can be life-changing.

You can feel anger, acknowledge it, and immediately let it go by purposefully living in the present with a deep breath. That deep breath is in the now. It is the only thing that is now.

How to Change Living in Past Anger

Practice is key.

Imagine a situation in your past when you became angry.
Notice how you feel about that now.
Take a deep breath.
Notice how you feel.

Next, you can practice in your everyday life.
When someone pushes your emotional button, take a pause.
Take a deep breath.
Acknowledge your feelings.
Share how you feel.
Ask for help.

You can do this after the moment has passed, such as later in the conversation.

“Hey, I just realized your comment hurt my feelings. Can we talk about that?”

It’s never too late to start letting go of the past.

What’s With the Plates?

In the past, I worked for the Department of Public and Environmental Health in the City of Denver. I was the smiling face that appeared at an employee’s desk to fix their computer problem. I loved my work. It satisfied my curiosity and need to connect with people and gave me a deep sense of accomplishment in troubleshooting their problems and finding a solution. One high-level manager was eating her lunch on a beautiful plate. It made such an impression that I bought two small Fitz and Floyd plates for my lunches at work.

While Mom lived with Wayne and me in Florida, she helped me by setting the table for meals. Mom always chose one of the Fitz and Floyd plates for herself. I resented it but didn’t let her know my feelings. After we moved to NC, these plates fell out of favor for me. I moved them around in the cabinet, and yesterday I took them out.

I said, “Enough! It’s time for these plates to go.”

I’ve cried three separate times over this. First, forgiveness for Mom came during the release of tears. Then I forgave myself.

Letting go of the past brings joy into our lives in unexpected ways.