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Today Marks One Year

Today marks one year since my mother’s soul passed over. But, as one life ends, another begins. Her birth allowed her grandmother to see how a new life overshadowed her son’s death. And now, after one year, I feel my life begin anew.

Does one year seem a long time to feel the wounds of grief heal? Or perhaps it has been a time of healing other wounds too.

What is the Right Way to Grieve?

I’ve got some good news for you. First, there isn’t one right way to grieve. Each person moves through grief differently. And that will change each time you experience it. After all, death marks the end of physical life, but you shared so many memorable moments before.

Second, no one can judge your grief experience. It belongs to you.

However, there has been much research about the grieving process, which may help you understand your feelings.

I can best illustrate some of this process by sharing my experience with complicated grief.

Complicated Grief

Complicated grief occurs when you can’t resume normal activities because your grief keeps getting in the way. As expected, this aspect of grief is multi-faceted. For me, the most obvious was my delayed grief.

Delayed Grief

Delayed grief occurred when I had excessive reactions years after my father died.

Dad loved visiting Bok Tower Gardens in Lake Wales, Florida. He started making knives late in life using blacksmithing techniques, including pattern welding. He admired the beauty of Samuel Yellin‘s ironwork on the gates and bridges that connect to the tower’s location. This photo was taken during one of my parents’ winter visits to Florida in the 1980s, after they had moved to Saguache County, Colorado.

Bok Tower Brass Door
The brass door polishing is partly completed.

I also loved Bok Tower and was a volunteer Garden Guide in the years before COVID. We ended each garden tour at the tower, pointing out Edward Bok’s gravesite with the white flowers and explaining the meaning of the bronze door. On one of these tours, I was suddenly overcome with uncontrolled sobbing. It occurred just as I turned away from my group of twenty tourists to talk about the door.

Taking a deep breath, I wiped the tears away, turned around, and quickly finished the tour. A few people stayed behind to offer their loving understanding. Somehow, I kept from completely breaking down. It was the winter of 2018.

I had lost my grandparents, divorced my first husband, experienced being a suicide survivor of my second marriage, and comforted my father as he died an unaided death at home. All these losses spanned forty-five years, but they had started coming closer together with my husband’s suicide in September 2014 and Dad’s death in April 2015.

Grief doesn’t have to be as dramatic or cumulative as mine to suffer deep wounds. However, when it interferes with normal activity, it’s a sign to seek help, which I have often done.

But What is Normal Activity?

I’d also like to share that my perception of ‘normal activity’ had become skewed.

Did I experience ‘normal activity’ before my 23-year marriage ended in divorce? Then I lived in a world that revolved around my husband’s wants and the demands of mothering two sons. I had no concept of my own dreams. Was that normal?

The truth is that my life doesn’t feel like it was ever normal. What a relief!

So today marks one year. And as I continue healing my grief wounds, I can create a normal life that is mine. The possibilities are endless. Your options to create the life you want are endless too.

With love and compassion,
Dawn

Grief on the First Mother’s Day Afterward

Grief on the first Mother’s Day afterward surprised me. I ignored it, forgot it, and didn’t face the fact that my mother passed away last year. It’s an example of how I’ve used denial in my grief. Mother’s Day was never a time I looked forward to for myself. So, I always focused on Mom.

But she isn’t here now. The last time I saw her was almost a year ago.

But before that, on October 15, 2020, Mom and I ate at one of our favorite seafood restaurants, Crazy Fish, in Lake Wales, Florida. It’s such a noisy place. We were excited to sit outside in the coolness. Perhaps we laughed about one of her stories before I took our selfie above.

What Woke Me Up?

My sister posted a picture on social media of the last time she and my brother-in-law hugged Mom. I commented, “Today it hit me… the first Mother’s Day without Mom.

Rather Than Sit with My Emotion

Since I was on my laptop, I automatically checked my email and was startled to find an email inviting me to use newspapers.com to see if Mom ever made it to the paper. I became lost down the rabbit hole of looking up every closely related woman in the newspapers. It was a fantastic avoidance tactic.

But I also learned new things about my mother, grandmothers, and aunts. Also, I was reminded how different married life was for women a generation older than me.

To find newspaper articles about your mother’s generation successfully, search for “Mrs.” and their husband’s name. Only one person in my family used her name, my Aunt Lila Roads. And it was clear how she was different. Aunt Lila entered the business world, where she sought employment in administrative roles. Most of my other relatives were homemakers, and their mentions were on the social pages, which was a perfect place for women in the Deep South. So, since Aunt Lila and Uncle Mick moved to the more progressive state of California, she ended up in the newspaper.

What did I learn about Mom?

There were many articles about her engagement and wedding, but what intrigued me the most was an inquiry sent to The Tampa Tribune’s Food section’s “Recipes: Lost and Found.” She asked for a coconut cake recipe with coconut milk. And I found the responses!

This is interesting because my Mom’s sister, Carolyn, and I have discussed the long-standing hunt for their mother’s famous coconut cake recipe. Is this it? I think it has the basic ingredients, but my grandmother always used fresh coconut, often from West Palm Beach, Florida. After all, that’s where her mother lived, along with her older sister. There would have been a lot of love in those coconuts.

The hours I spent searching for newspaper articles never resulted in tears. It kept my mind busy and opened up new realizations. It helped me celebrate the memory of my mother rather than mourn the loss of her touch. Sometimes it’s nice to take a break from the tears. So, I’m happy about that.

What About the Grief?

My grief feels like it’s in my face, especially right now with the reminder of Mother’s Day. While writing, I’ve taken many crying breaks. Letting the feelings flow out feels good, leaving room for the joy of happy memories.

And one truth exists for anyone mourning a loss. Ignoring or avoiding the deep feelings of grief are impediments to healing. And I want to heal.

What are Some Ways for You to Heal?

Writing your feelings down is a great way to get your grief moving. Choose a place where you feel safe to cry or even scream if that is what you need. Your path toward healing is uniquely you. There are no right or wrong ways to express grief.

Walk outside. Grief can make us feel isolated, so getting up and moving helps to lift your mood.

Deep breathing is always welcome.

Here is one of my favorite deep breathing methods.

    • Take a deep breath in, filling your lungs.
    • Take one more sip of air at the top of your breath.
    • Exhale with a big sigh, “Aaaaaaaaa,” as you release all the air.

I always feel better when I do any of these activities.

Here’s wishing you a peaceful weekend.

Sending you loving kindness,
Dawn

My Personal Reiki Wow Story

This is my personal Reiki Wow story. On Tuesday, I had two visits to Western medical practices. One was for a reaction to Moderna’s bilateral booster for Covid-19. The second was for scheduled cortisone shots in my osteoarthritic feet. It was the first time I received treatment for both feet in an appointment.

It Starts with the Booster

I received my first Covid-19 booster shot on Friday morning, five days prior. Although concerned about side effects, since I like to travel, it’s a risk I was willing to take.

Each morning I connect to my Spiritual team of guides, angels, and other helpers from God to set my energy for the day. So I took a second opportunity Thursday night concerning my health. I asked archangels Michael and Rafael to protect me from adverse reactions from the injection, especially anything that would interfere with my upcoming trip on a Viking River Cruise.

Immediate After Effects

The injection was painless; I knew it was done when I felt the pharmacist place the bandaid over the site.

Then I stood up and felt dizzy immediately. It was minor, but I thought to ask the pharmacist.

“Do I have to sit for ten minutes before I do my shopping?”

“Oh no, this isn’t like the first two shots. We were the human guinea pigs then. They perfected it now.”

I agreed with his assessment and carefully returned to the entrance to pick up a cart. But unfortunately, the dizziness stayed with me until I sat in my car. Then it returned as I took my two small bags into the house.

The Next 48 Hours

My symptoms were much less severe than I experienced with the second Moderna shot in the fall of 2021. But I noticed the fever during the night, occasional chills, and a general feeling of malaise.

The injection site became increasingly painful, and I had new symptoms by Sunday. I’ll spare you the specifics, but there were bouts of gastrointestinal distress.

Now I’m Getting Worried

My upper arm was swollen and hot to the touch, and there was a red patch the size of a deck of cards. The itchiness was most pronounced at night, but I felt well enough during the day to take the dog for a short walk and pull some weeds in a shrub bed.

Finally, I called my nurse practitioner’s office, and they scheduled me for an appointment at 8:45 am Tuesday. It worked well since my cortisone injections were at 11:15 am, twenty miles away. And there was a Walgreens in between.

Amidst all this, I’d noticed an apparent sty on my right eye. I was headed out of the country in a week and needed to handle any preexisting conditions. I mentioned it to the intake nurse. Then, knowing that my cup of coffee and general anxiety could elevate my borderline hypertension, I took a few calming breaths and gently closed my eyes as the cuff was placed on my non-injection arm. When I heard 136/84, I was amazed.

Katie Miller, FNP-C, explained she had seen many injection site reactions from Covid booster vaccines in her office. Additionally, she shared it takes her about five days to recover fully from boosters, noting it was primarily minor exhaustion. Finally, she prescribed two ointments; a topical for the itching on my arm and an antibiotic for my burgeoning eye infection.

Rather than feeling let down by my less-than-perfect booster experience, I felt in awe that my spiritual team revealed and addressed my unknown health issue.

And Now for the WOW

In preparation for the dreaded cortisone shots in two hours, I’d arranged for a fellow Reiki practitioner to give me a long-distance session. We texted as I waited in my podiatrist’s office to be called into the exam room. Our reiki connection had begun in earnest as soon as we thought of each other. I feel it now, even in a place of memory.

The nurse escorts me to the last exam room and starts the prep work. She sounded apprehensive when I told her there would be two shots. But by this time, I’m in such a calm state that my reaction is as an observer.

I lower my gaze before Dr. Robinson enters the room. The reiki connection is in full bloom. First, I feel the numbing coolness as a liquid flows over my right foot. The next sensation is the same coolness of a fluid flowing over my left foot. Finally, I sense the procedures are complete and open my eyes.

“Wow. I didn’t feel the needle’s prick, the pressure against my joint, or the discomfort of anything. That’s a first! But I confess. I was using reiki with the help of a second long-distance practitioner.”

Dr. Robinson is usually non-verbal. As a result, some would say he lacks a warm bedside manner. But this time, he initiated a conversation about my upcoming trip, sharing his experience exploring Europe while stationed at an air force base in England. I remember thinking, who is this guy? But, of course, I loved every minute of my extended visit.

Two realities seem apparent.

    1. The calming effects of reiki can alleviate pain by changing our physical and mental focus.
    2. This effect extends to others nearby.

An Invitation for You

Did you like my personal reiki wow story? Would you like some of that, too? Here’s an opportunity you won’t want to miss.  Signup for my newsletter and I will offer you, my reader, an exceptional 30-minute reiki experience for $22. Hurry because this offer expires on May 11, 2023.

With loving compassion,
Dawn