Self-love is the Way

Self-love is the way to achieve your goals. This statement is broad, perhaps too general to understand. Here’s an illustration from my life where self-love opened the door to better health.

Self-love is the Way Forward

When life is stressful with work, family, grief, or health concerns, we find coping mechanisms that pull us through the pain. Some of these paths are Art in Medicinevery healthy and life-affirming. For instance, a friend discovered her artistic talent through an art therapy program during her cancer treatment. Her painting is the dancer in red, top center.

An integral ingredient in any forward movement is self-love.

For some, self-love bloomed early in their life. As babies, toddlers, and in early childhood, they received the affirming affection, praise, and happiness from people integral in their life that built the confidence of self-love.

For others, myself included, we were missing an essential ingredient that led us to believe we weren’t good enough to receive the love and affection we desperately desired. Early childhood is a unique situation for each of us, affected by personalities, intrinsic values, and perhaps the contract we made with our Creator before entering the world.

Forgiveness is an element of self-love. You might find it easier to forgive others than yourself. That’s a great place to start. But ultimately, forgiving yourself is key to self-love.

Grief Plays a Role

For me, I’ve used emotional eating as a tool to soothe hurt. But, unfortunately, it became a dramatic example as I put on twenty-four pounds over the last five months.

I was wrapping up the initial frantic probate actions in early April following my husband’s death. The payoff was returning to the peace of the North Carolina Blue Ridge Mountains.

Although I was still the caregiver for my 93-year-old mother, she had adjusted well to her assisted living home. Driving the twenty-one miles to visit her, I drank in the peaceful pace and scenery of the Blue Ridge Parkway.

But I was still in my perfectionist mode, using the trip home to shop in Boone. My self-loathing kept me from simply returning home along the same route.

Suddenly Everything Changes

A routine developed. I added personal training at the Wellness Center in Boone before visiting Mom. But the allure of Publix, my favorite grocery store in Boone, brought me back through the traffic. It was more important to serve my masculine nature of doing than surrender to my feminine side of appreciation of nature. My lack of self-love won over the calming effects of the Blue Ridge Parkway’s meandering 45 mph route.

Another Passing

Suddenly, Mom’s health plummeted. Her dehydration set up a dramatic series of events. Infection and discomfort were severe. Surgery was not an option as her blood pressure fell.

The doctors and I chose to keep her comfortable as her life force left her in under a week. Such a quick change is shocking, even for a woman in her 90s. But, unfortunately, June 4th marked another significant change. And another period of heightened anxiety began.

My Attention Wavered

Although I noticed my clothes tightening, it was easy to ignore. But the numbers on the bathroom scale continued to climb. Finally, I succumbed to the easy route of eating sandwiches, nachos, and ice cream. In addition to a load of carbohydrates, my digestive system balked from gluten, coffee, dairy products, processed food, and sugar. Sadly, I ignored my gluten intolerance and the inflammatory effect of dairy and sugar on my body.

A Nice Day in Nature

Native Bee BalmOn the afternoon of Saturday, August 27th, I thoroughly enjoyed my lunch at The Bluffs, a restaurant along the Blue Ridge Parkway. Earlier, I joined a fern identification walk with the local chapter of the North Carolina Native Plant Society. But, not wishing to hold up the other hikers, I saved my photography for this native monarda, where I met a fellow botany enthusiast. Overall, it was a rewarding day.

The Sh*t Hits the Fan

After arising Sunday morning, I drank my 12-oz coffee with cream and sugar, followed by a one-half gluten-free bagel, cream cheese, and preserves. Within minutes, a burning sensation began in my stomach.

I soldiered on, working on a pre-session health questionnaire for an upcoming Zoom. My weight gain needed attention, and I took the first step toward solving the problem.

Before I could finish the questionnaire, my stomach pain demanded attention. So I popped an acid reduction pill and frantically looked for food to absorb the acid.

My body continued to balk. The dreaded, violent release of my stomach contents followed. All I could think about was whether it looked like coffee grounds. I had seen that phenomenon from a patient with a bleeding ulcer while working as a nurse’s aide in high school. What a relief. No coffee grounds!

The Reason Becomes Clear

As I continued moving from one position to another, I finally lay down on the bed and had a loving conversation.

“You have everything you need to get through this pain. It will pass. Allow sleep to come, and the pain will be gone when you awake.”

Twenty minutes later, I woke up. The pain was gone.

As I lay still, it became clear that the pain was a wake-up call to get serious about taking care of my body. I imagined the unseen trauma of my digestive system fighting the inflammatory effects of sugar, gluten, milk proteins, and milk sugar.

Self-love is the way to improve my health. With this new self-awareness, I began searching for knowledge about my system and the journey back to health.

the sky is the limitYou can achieve anything with self-love. After that, the sky’s the limit.

Sharing with tenderness,
Dawn

Open the Box of Loneliness

If we open the box of loneliness and look inside, it may look different for individuals and at other times in life.

Open the Box of Loneliness

This past week I looked into my current box of loneliness. It was an exercise I felt strong enough to carry out with the help of a life coach. Each of us must decide when and how we will take a step toward healing. My goal in this article is to help you see whether this is something you want to tackle.

A Little Background

I have experienced many challenging relationships, starting with my mother. Yet, I’ve made significant progress with the help of therapy, holistic healers, meditation, and journaling. Each time I peeled back the layers of emotion to find the source of my pain, there were supportive friends, family, or professionals.

My journey was arduous at times, but as long as I took small steps with someone nearby to help me up when I stumbled, I made it through to the other side.

What is Loneliness?

Don’t we all know what loneliness is? Since it is an emotion, it can be experienced differently by each of us.

For instance, isolation from a pandemic may be a terrible punishment for an extrovert. But on the other hand, some introverts may have breathed a sigh of relief after getting over the initial shock of this experience.

Psychologist Nick Wignall offers a psychological definition:

Loneliness is an emotion characterized by the feeling of pain caused by a perceived lack of intimacy with other people or ourselves.

This definition seems to cover it.

Loneliness Inside a Relationship

Specifically, I’m referring to a romantic relationship. However, one event leaped to the forefront as I reflected on the loneliest moments in my life.

I was driving on an interstate highway, preparing to exit onto another busy divided four-lane road. Although I had been attempting to get my husband to participate in a conversation, the loneliness hit me in my gut at that moment. Then, finally, the words erupted from my mouth.

“I’ve never felt this lonely in my entire life.”

My husband suddenly looked up.

“What do you mean?”

I explained how lonely I felt when he chose to read his Kindle rather than talk to me. Yet, he told me how much he enjoyed my company. The reality was my loneliness would continue due to the differences between us. By this time, I knew I was powerless to change others. Instead, I explored more avenues of self-care.

Loneliness from Grief

When someone has left our lives, this loneliness may be unavoidable. For me, I’m physically alone. My close relatives and friends are far away because I decided to move to a new location before the recent losses of my husband and mother.

A voice inside knew this was my time to deal with grief from eight years ago. At that time, I avoided loneliness by keeping busy at work and hiring someone to replace my deck. Now I have no distractions. My choice is certainly not for everyone. But I knew the only way I would open the box of loneliness was here, where nature comes to visit and my dog, Sugar, comforts me.

Emotions Don’t Have to be Scary.

Dealing with our emotions can be unsettling, especially if we have avoided them in the past. However, taking small steps toward feeling less lonely may be as simple as understanding ourselves better.

While writing this article, I came across Nick Wignall’s articles on mental health. One of my favorite blogs is about self-awareness. Furthermore, finding Nick’s simple website engaging tells me something about myself. His clean, organized, and thorough website epitomizes my need for order. And the smile on my face tells me how much I enjoy helping you with my writing. Thank you for reading.

Find Joy Instead of Despair

Mom’s third day in the hospital dawned as I assessed my morning routine. In my quest to find joy instead of despair, I learned to practice self-care in my caregiver role. Even so, there were little messages that I heard but didn’t heed. For example, I didn’t take time to make breakfast, looking up Bojangles’ sandwiches. But I forgot to download the ordering app. So instead, I completed an abridged version of my Reiki practice, showered, and put on makeup, including mascara.

Find Joy Instead of Despair

When I arrived at Bojangles, I tried to go inside. The staff locked it. I backed out of my parking space and pulled into the drive-up line behind two men on foot. They had motorcycle t-shirts on, and there were motorcycles in the parking lot.

I noticed the pile of large river rocks where the speaker and menu had been. The drive-up line moved slowly. As we neared the temporary ordering setup, I heard the noisy highway floating through my open windows and felt the cool morning breeze. I

It was amusing to watch the motorcycle guys order. They jumped on and backed off the sensor plate to let the Bojangles employee know they wanted to order. The taller of the two bent himself nearly in two at the speaker stand. Then it was my turn to drive up and order. The long line behind me was impressive, snaking around the far side of the building.

I closed my passenger side window to reduce the noise. Waiting patiently, I listened for acknowledgment from the speaker stand. Finally, I shouted at the pedestrians in front of me, “Guys! Hey, guys! Motorcycle guys!” Eventually, the shorter man turned my way and started to approach. Then a voice from the speaker stand said, “Are you talking to me?” I answered, “No, but I’d like to.” We all laughed. I placed my order. It was so amusing; I took a photo of the two guys in front of me from my windshield.

As they approached the drive-up window, one said, “This is a first for me, walking in the drive-up at Bojangle’s!”

Mom’s Third Day at the Hospital

Soon I was backing into a space in the hospital parking lot. Gathering my purse, book, coffee travel cup, and changing my glasses, I locked the car and walked the familiar path to the temporary entrance of the hospital. A new face was staffing the makeshift welcome table. After sanitizing my hands and placing my mask on my face, I approached.

“Do you know where you are headed?” she asked.

“Yes, I’m very familiar with the route.”

“I’ve heard that a lot this morning,” she replied.

As I walked through the gauntlet of chairs in the shared emergency room waiting area, I began the familiar path past walls striped with blue painter’s tape. The young man who was patching drywall all week was absent. I missed saying hello or commenting on his steady progress.

You Never See it Coming

Stepping into the waiting elevator, I pressed the button for the second floor. As the doors opened, I saw two unfamiliar masked faces at the nurse’s station.

“Good morning, you guys are new!”

One of the women, striking in her deep blue scrubs that matched the blue of her kind eyes, had moved toward me. I noticed her name tag said ‘Brenda.’ I turned left for the short walk to Mom’s room. Just before I arrived at the closed door, the nurse, who had discreetly followed me, spoke.

“Are you Dawn?”

“Yes.”

“I just put the phone down as I heard the elevator. I’m sorry, but your mother just passed.”

Brenda was ready for my reaction. She took the coffee mug out of my hand as I covered my audible sob. Her sweet arms hugged me as I continued to cry. Finally, my need to purge grief subsided, her hug loosened, and our eyes met.

“Spend as much time as you need.”

The room was oddly silent as I walked to my familiar spot next to the bed. Mom was serene; her closed eyes had lost their tightness. Although her body had ceased to function, I felt her soul nearby.

“Hi, Mom. It’s Dawn. It’s all over. Don’t worry about anything. You can be with Daddy now.”

I stroked her still warm forehead, “I love you.”

I closed the hospital room door and headed for the nurse’s station to thank them. Then, out of the blue, I heard myself telling the story of my funny experience in the drive-up at Bojangles. I knew Mom’s soul was there, too, laughing along with us.

Find Joy Instead of Despair

Hospitals and death can be harrowing experiences. Or they can be joyful. Allowing my emotion’s full impact when I had the loving support of nurse Brenda opened up space for the joy of release. The release was for my Mom and me. Furthermore, it gave me the freedom to relieve the natural stress felt by the hospital staff.

Having experienced the deaths of two husbands, my father and now my mother, in the past seven years has served as a primer for grieving and letting go.

Mom and I discussed death many times. She and I were together at Dad’s passing. And both were adamant in their wish to allow death it’s due. I’m grateful Mom’s end of life wasn’t prolonged and that the hospital staff supported our decisions.

My understanding of the importance of self-care, especially in the role of caregiver, has brought me peace. I have learned how to find joy instead of despair. So, may your life experiences bring you growth toward fulfilling your purpose.