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Looking Back Has Merit – My Sixties

Talking about my birthday is not something I normally do, but this year, it has a purpose I couldn’t ignore.

A New Decade Birthday

Some people celebrate their birthday with a cake. I celebrate with fresh flowers that I buy and arrange. It’s like a double gift to myself. This quilt has many layers of meaning, but most importantly, almost all the material was in my fabric stash. I donated it to Mom’s friend, Lola, who made tied quilts for St. Peter’s Lutheran Church in Monte Vista, Colorado. Lola then pieced it into my favorite design, Log Cabin. Mom bought it for her guest bedroom, but now it is mine.

Looking back over ten years

As I lay awake at the end of the day before my 70th birthday, I naturally played the timeline of my 60s in my mind. It was both scary and hopeful.

Ten years ago, I considered signing up for psychic medium Kim Moore’s ten-month course “Psychic and Personal Development.” The only way I could consider it was to drop the first word, psychic. On the last day, I sent her an email asking to be her student. The nine women met every third Saturday. The classes were mostly at her business on South Wadsworth in Denver, Colorado. But we also gathered for a couple of excursions.

As I grew in understanding an alternative way of looking at life, my husband, Pablo, was sinking deeper and deeper into despair, which resulted in his suicide. Kim and my fellow students came to my home eight days later, and we cleared the energy together.

Perhaps I thought that would solve everything. So, I put it all behind me and sought a replacement relationship. Yes, I really did.

Please avoid my mistakes

My life before I turned 60 was filled with pleasing others and looking for someone to complete my life. At the time of Pablo’s suicide nine years ago, I had no idea how to grieve because I didn’t know who I was. It took almost nine years and the deaths of three more loved ones for me to start to discover answers.

Here are some of the things I’ve learned along the way.

Rule 1 – It’s important to make time to grieve.

What does it mean to make time to grieve? When I finally allowed the emotions of grief to emerge fully, I took time after starting my day to revisit the feelings I had immediately after my losses. Before this, I was afraid to delve deep. It helped when I prayed for the strength to let go of control and the courage to start the process.

Each time, my deep crying was short-lived, perhaps a minute. But the relief and calmness afterward have never left me.

Since I was alone, there was no choice but to go through this alone. You may find that too scary. If you choose to have someone with you, let them know you want them there for moral support but to keep their distance unless you motion them to come to you. Alternatively, you may seek a therapist who specializes in grief or a grief coach.

Follow the path that feels right for you.

Rule 2 – Grief is a normal reaction to loss

Your friends might not know how to comfort you. This is also very common. If you want to be completely alone, that’s okay. If you have someone to run interference, that is ideal; a pastor or best friend comes to mind.

Final Thoughts

Give yourself time to work through all your feelings. But also permit yourself to find joy in beautiful memories, the kiss of a loving pet, or random acts of kindness that come your way. It’s okay to allow unexpected moments of joy to embrace you.

Four Empty Chairs

Do you have four empty chairs at your dining table?

Looking back, I have spent my adult life ensuring there was always someone, usually a husband, at my table. That equates to a lifetime of care-giving, and self-sacrifice.

Moving Forward

To move forward, we have to face our fears, and that includes our grief.

Are you afraid:

  • The grief will be so bad, that you’ll never stop crying
  • If you feel less grief, it means you don’t care anymore
  • Sudden, unexpected showers of tears will rain down
  • The grief will worsen if you let your emotions loose

Let me reassure you that grief is the normal reaction to loss. It can be unsettling, but it isn’t something to fear. However, if you have been diagnosed with clinical depression, you must see a licensed therapist.

Let’s Address the Fears

Crying is a way to release tension, anxiety, and grief. So that means, you will stop and feel better when it’s over. Grief doesn’t follow a prescribed pattern. It’s like a roller coaster of emotions, including extreme sadness and joy. It’s okay to laugh.

When grief starts to lose its grip, it doesn’t mean you don’t care. Rather, it means you are starting to heal. This is cause for celebration. And any judgment from others is not welcome. Nor should it be tolerated.

I’m afraid I’ll start crying in public! Well, that’s exactly what happened to me. I was conducting a Garden Tour at Bok Tower Gardens. It was at the end as I talked about the ironwork on the bridges across the moat. The memory of my father, who was a blacksmith, overpowered me. Thankfully, I was facing away from the tour group. Closing my eyes, I took a couple of slow breaths in and out. Then I finished the tour. Four people stayed behind to hug me and reassure me they understood. And it was also a wake-up call. I knew I needed help to heal my grief. I’m very emotional and still tear up at inopportune moments. But I have never felt bad about it. It’s just how I am.

When you express your grief and pain as deeply as you can, it not only allows healing, but it can even make it possible to switch your emotion from feeling sadness to reliving a joyful moment you shared with your loved one.

In Parting

You might find it helpful to set an empty chair at your table during this holiday season. Perhaps add a place card with their name and a favorite photo. Recalling fun times with your loved one might break the tension. And if someone starts crying, let them finish. Then, give them a reassuring hug.

I’d love to hear one of your cherished memories in the comments.

How to Support a Grieving Friend

Today, I am writing and talking about how to support a grieving friend.

Is it challenging to pick up the phone and call them?

If you are experiencing grief, reaching out to others who are also grieving can be healing. Like the photo above, our suffering can be hidden away, but when we support each other, our grief is lessened, and we take a small step forward like the fawns as they move out of the wetland and across the path to lush green grass.

They seem to be different ages. One has distinct spots, while the other’s spots have faded. Do you think they both have mothers? Perhaps one is an orphan, and the other is comforting them.

Overcoming Initial Reluctance

But what do you say to someone grieving without making it worse? Preparation helps.

First, take a few slow, deep breaths to connect to your heart rather than your head.

Then, consider using this outline as a guide.

  • Brainstorm how you will start the conversation.
  • Just listen.
  • Conclude the call by asking if you can call again in a few days.
  • Afterward, make a reminder in your calendar to call again.

How to Support a Grieving Friend

When is the Time Right to Call?

The time to call is now. If they aren’t ready, they won’t answer. If it’s been a few weeks and everyone has returned to their homes and routines, that may be the best time to call.

Before picking up the phone, write what you plan to say. Then you can just read your words.

“Hi, dear friend. It’s Dawn. I was thinking about you today and wondered how you are doing.”

Depending on their day, they may burst out crying. Or perhaps there is complete silence. Regardless, your response is to listen. It’s not necessary to say anything. When you punched in their number, the love in your heart started flowing toward them. And they need your love more than anything you can say.

When we feel nervous about the quiet moments, it’s easy to say something hurtful like, “I know how you feel.” It makes my heart ache to write those words. Regardless of our grief journey, we can never know what anyone else feels. But we can hold space in silence for them to take small steps toward healing their grief.

Knowing When to End the Call

Grieving can be exhausting. The call might end after a few minutes, or perhaps they need to tell the story again.

As you listen, it may feel like it’s time to wind down the call. Or you might feel exhausted and want to end the conversation. That’s okay.

Before you hang up, ask them if it’s alright to call them again in a few days.

Then, please make an appointment or reminder to call them. It will be easier the next time. And if you are also grieving, reaching out to others will heal your grief wounds, too.

If You Found This Helpful

I invite you to sign up for my newsletter below. If you think talking to a Grief Coach will help you heal your grief wounds, let’s start a conversation via email.