Grief Recovery Archives - Page 5 of 11 - Sacred Healing of Grief Wounds

When Grief Drops In

I’m always surprised when grief drops in. It seems a long time since crying was daily, and then it happens again.

When Grief Drops In

Today I’m sharing an experience of grief from this past week. It came out of nowhere. Well, not exactly. It started on a Zoom of fellow writers deeply connected to Spirit.

I had to leave before the end. So I let the moderator know. She asked me to share my experiences over the last seven years. First, I talked about my blog, but I needed to share that I’d gotten married. Next came the losses, my husband’s death in March and then the death of my mother soon after. That’s when I broke down and cried. There was no stopping the tears. And I felt safe to share, but I didn’t want to waste this precious time together. Quickly, I regained composure, finished my share, listened to another participant, and slipped away after leaving my goodbyes in the chat.

Of course, that wasn’t the end of this grief episode. The next day, I was thinking about a new project using my photos spanning many years. Again, the vision of my second husband, Pablo, became focused. I smiled, remembering him standing proudly at a marina, displaying a freshly caught Mahi Mahi. He was wearing a shirt I gave him that depicted the story of Hemingway’s Old Man and the Sea. This memory was so beautiful. It brought forth these words.

Keep your loved ones’ happiest moments with you always.

Next, I looked for my niece’s wedding photos from ten years ago. I had offloaded them from my phone to make space, but instead, I found my last husband, Wayne’s proudest hunting moment, was when he bagged an awarding winning Alaskan Brown Bear. It reminded me of how vibrant he was when we were first together as lovers.

I know you might feel judgment about this hunting experience. And no, Wayne didn’t eat the bear, but all the meat was harvested and given to local villagers. Taxidermists took the carcass and made a bear skin rug that filled the floor of a room in his Florida home. After Wayne passed, someone bought the bear. She’s out there, proudly displayed somewhere.

Sitting and Reflecting

All these memories continued to feed my soul as I pondered what these men brought me in my life.

Pablo and I enjoyed traveling with gusto. He was a vibrant man. I remember his love of people, dancing in the kitchen, and cooking his Cuban specialties. In comparison, the memories of our later years when his paranoia and depression took over are dim.

Just today, I thought about my favorite times with Wayne. He took me hunting in Georgia. Although I had only handled a rifle once in my life, I was a natural at hitting a target. However, shooting a deer did not fit into my life journey. But I tried for him. So, when I sat alone inside a portable blind in the early morning darkness, the stillness and brightening sky evoked my only waka, a Japanese style of poetry written by emperors of old. My waka…

orange fushia sunrise
birds chatter all around me
leaves rain down silent
lone buck grunt breaks the stillness

Parting Thoughts

When grief drops in, I think it is crucial to let the tears flow when they come. But it’s also healthy to remember those sweet moments when you felt the love both received and given.

A Message for my Readers

The Fear of Success

The fear of success is an authentic human experience. Yet, the emotion seemed to have no source when I was crying with my morning coffee.

The Fear of Success

What brought on this sudden tearful episode? Then I had one of those aha moments when the ray of sunlight shines through. I had recently experienced an example of success and conquered the fear.

Was it a Walk or a Hike?

The weekend before, I joined the Blue Ridge Chapter of the North Carolina Native Plant Society for a hike. This event allowed me to get out and meet like-minded people, surround myself with nature, and exercise.

In my mind, it wasn’t clear whether I could complete this opportunity. There were a lot of unknowns. For example, how long is the hike? What is the difficulty?

Even so, I was excited to give it a try.

Was Nature Testing Me?

Waze showed it would take me about thirty-five minutes to drive to the Bluff Lodge parking lot in Doughton Park, where the hike began at 11 am.

As I’m ready to step into the shower, I see two young wild turkeys in a panic, caught inside my backyard fence. Mama turkey and two siblings are encouraging them from their freedom of the pasture.

The decision was clear; take my shower and deal with the turkeys afterward.

With focused determination, I completed my grooming, put on my clothes, and assessed the situation by the back door. My bird dog, Sugar, was on high alert. How could I open the fence gate and shoo the turkeys toward it while keeping Sugar at bay?

As soon as I opened the door, the young turkeys flew toward freedom over the fence. So all the worry before was wasted energy. And I was still on schedule to make it to the hike on time.

The Meadow Stroll

Our leader, Annkatrin, had structured the day with two opportunities. The first part was a stroll through a large meadow filled with blossoms, tall purple spikes of Liatris, yellow Coreopsis billowing below, and occasional milkweed in bloom.

Although I felt gratitude for this hour, I wanted more. So, talking with Annkatrin and looking at the map of the longer hike, I decided to try it. Three of us drove to the parking lot at the end of this extended portion, and a fourth followed to bring us back to the meadow. The drive back to the field was the perfect opportunity to tell the funny turkey story. We all enjoyed a good laugh.

The First Section

With my hiking boots strapped on, my walking poles in hand, and a day pack with water, I was enthusiastically ready to start.

Our route took us down a path toward the road, Annkatrin pointing out a few flowers in the shadows. As we trekked along the shoulder of The Blue Ridge Parkway, the variety of native plants exploded up the embankment. In this photo, there were three unusual finds; Hairy alumroot, Allegheny stonecrop, and reindeer lichen.

Traffic was light as we quickly crossed toward the Visitor Center. Luckily, the line for the portable toilets was short, and we soon observed another meadow. This time it was in a raised bed next to the parking lot by the park restaurant.

Annkatrin remarked, “I could spend hours here on the varieties of lichen alone.”

As we left the parking lot, another meadow of milkweed emerged. There we saw the only Monarch butterfly. We poised our phones and snapped photos and videos while he sipped nectar hungrily as he walked the flower clusters.

“We know it’s a male. He has white spots along the hind wings. Let’s hope he finds lots of eggs to fertilize. Since Monarchs are territorial, he’s staked out this entire area to defend.”

The Middle section

Halfway through the hike, two people turned around. So our original group of eighteen during the meadow stroll was reduced to eight. At that point, I felt good. There was a fantastic vista of the mountains with meadow flowers surrounding us.

The Final Miles

As we left the meadow with the incredible vista, I saw the trail meander up and down an area of tall grass before disappearing into the pine forest.

“The difficult section is coming up,” I thought.

It still was never as difficult as I feared it could be. The rain forecast had held off, mud was nonexistent, and we were in the shade. However, the hour was growing late. It was 3 pm, and we still had a quarter of the hike left. I had forgotten the opportunities to sit and rest might not show up. And I had been standing or walking for four hours, except for the short ride back and forth to the parking lot at the hike terminus. Three of the hikers in the front opted to press on, leaving Annkatrin, another couple, a young man, and myself at a slower pace. In the past, I would have berated myself for apparently holding up the hike. Annkatrin understood the consensus.

“We’ve seen a lot of flowers today. But, unfortunately, it’s put us a little behind schedule.”

Annkatrin’s words and this beautiful Carolina Lily gave me the strength to know I could still do this.

The Conclusion

Annkatrin and I emerged from the forest and joined the remaining three participants, who rested on the stone walls or foraged blackberries. First, I stretched my hamstrings and quadriceps after taking a long drink of water. Then, I stored everyone’s backpacks and my walking poles in the back of my Subaru while Annkatrin took the opportunity to continue her walk in nature.

After dropping Will, the youngest hiker, at the Visitor Center parking lot, I continued onto the Bluff Lodge parking. Bob, Catherine, and I talked about the hike and the native plant organization for a few minutes.

I felt it was time I voiced my disappointment in keeping up with the pace. It wasn’t a rant. Instead, it was a compassionate relation to the situation.

Then Catherine said, “Currently, we don’t offer less strenuous opportunities for our field trips. So perhaps it’s time we did.”

Her statement filled my heart with gratitude. Any kernel of guilt I felt dissolved. My difficulty opened new opportunities for myself and others. In the end, the fear of success and the sore muscles were minor considerations.

Open the Box of Loneliness

If we open the box of loneliness and look inside, it may look different for individuals and at other times in life.

Open the Box of Loneliness

This past week I looked into my current box of loneliness. It was an exercise I felt strong enough to carry out with the help of a life coach. Each of us must decide when and how we will take a step toward healing. My goal in this article is to help you see whether this is something you want to tackle.

A Little Background

I have experienced many challenging relationships, starting with my mother. Yet, I’ve made significant progress with the help of therapy, holistic healers, meditation, and journaling. Each time I peeled back the layers of emotion to find the source of my pain, there were supportive friends, family, or professionals.

My journey was arduous at times, but as long as I took small steps with someone nearby to help me up when I stumbled, I made it through to the other side.

What is Loneliness?

Don’t we all know what loneliness is? Since it is an emotion, it can be experienced differently by each of us.

For instance, isolation from a pandemic may be a terrible punishment for an extrovert. But on the other hand, some introverts may have breathed a sigh of relief after getting over the initial shock of this experience.

Psychologist Nick Wignall offers a psychological definition:

Loneliness is an emotion characterized by the feeling of pain caused by a perceived lack of intimacy with other people or ourselves.

This definition seems to cover it.

Loneliness Inside a Relationship

Specifically, I’m referring to a romantic relationship. However, one event leaped to the forefront as I reflected on the loneliest moments in my life.

I was driving on an interstate highway, preparing to exit onto another busy divided four-lane road. Although I had been attempting to get my husband to participate in a conversation, the loneliness hit me in my gut at that moment. Then, finally, the words erupted from my mouth.

“I’ve never felt this lonely in my entire life.”

My husband suddenly looked up.

“What do you mean?”

I explained how lonely I felt when he chose to read his Kindle rather than talk to me. Yet, he told me how much he enjoyed my company. The reality was my loneliness would continue due to the differences between us. By this time, I knew I was powerless to change others. Instead, I explored more avenues of self-care.

Loneliness from Grief

When someone has left our lives, this loneliness may be unavoidable. For me, I’m physically alone. My close relatives and friends are far away because I decided to move to a new location before the recent losses of my husband and mother.

A voice inside knew this was my time to deal with grief from eight years ago. At that time, I avoided loneliness by keeping busy at work and hiring someone to replace my deck. Now I have no distractions. My choice is certainly not for everyone. But I knew the only way I would open the box of loneliness was here, where nature comes to visit and my dog, Sugar, comforts me.

Emotions Don’t Have to be Scary.

Dealing with our emotions can be unsettling, especially if we have avoided them in the past. However, taking small steps toward feeling less lonely may be as simple as understanding ourselves better.

While writing this article, I came across Nick Wignall’s articles on mental health. One of my favorite blogs is about self-awareness. Furthermore, finding Nick’s simple website engaging tells me something about myself. His clean, organized, and thorough website epitomizes my need for order. And the smile on my face tells me how much I enjoy helping you with my writing. Thank you for reading.