Category: Connections

When Someone You Love Is Hurtful

When someone you love is hurtful, we often react in a way that isn’t healthy for us. And this can become a lifelong habit that is difficult to change.

Every week Elizabeth Heise’s Friday Stories drop into my inbox. Her post, “Sweet Little Lies,” immediately drew me in as I sang the refrain in my head. However, I saw an aspect of myself that I had utterly ignored halfway through.

The subsequent realization was that I was a liar too! OMG! Honesty is one of my BIG values. And I thought I was honoring it throughout my life. Instead, I was telling sweet little lies to try and make the people in my life love me. Every husband (three, so far) was the same. Sacrificing myself while hoping they would love me.

Here’s how my realization played out.
This morning’s Ten Percent Happier meditation was “Delighting in Pleasure.” As I chose to get a big hug as my pleasure thought, all I could do was cry. I was thinking about the beautiful hugs my Dad gave me, especially in his last few years. I stumbled through the 10-minute meditation and then began my Morning Pages. Of course, this experience was my focus.

During the next thirty minutes, the natural source of pain emerged. I’d spent my entire life sacrificing myself to get Mom to love me.

An Example of Patterning

What was the first thing Mom said to me when I visited her last week in the rehabilitation facility?

“I didn’t think you were coming back.”

She said this before in a fearful way. But, this time, her tone reeked with anger.

Settling into familiar patterns, I was shocked but lied about it. That is, I didn’t express it. Instead, I ignored the remark, pushing it down. Furthermore, I worked at lifting Mom’s mood.

An Opportunity to Grow

Through more journaling and self-care, I made a discovery. There is a better way to reply to hurtful comments from Mom. So I wrote down my plan, rehearsed it, and reminded myself to come from a place of love.

“That hurt my feelings, Mom.”

Then I practice silence. Slowly, by allowing and surrendering, I began feeling powerful and hopeful. Once again, I remembered there is one and only one person we can change – ourselves.

A smile begins to form. The feeling of loving-kindness fills my heart, and I can feel the former sensation of sacrifice drifting away. In its place is hope.

Sometimes a Single Step is Crucial

By saying what I felt, a new door opened up. I stepped through to a place of happiness.

Each step brings us closer to the change we seek.

Your Most Important Relationship

Your most important relationship is how you feel about yourself.

Perhaps you are thinking, “I’ve heard that one before!” Regardless, it bears repeating. The love we have or don’t have for ourselves affects the quality and success of all other relationships.

Early Relationships

Parents certainly rank up there in importance. We are born pretty helpless compared to other mammals. We all depend on mother’s milk, which is uniquely perfect for infants. Even if that doesn’t work out, the baby formula helps us grow. It’s the care and comfort of our caregiver that makes us thrive.

If there are older siblings, they can be important too. But are they confident of the love they receive? Is there enough love to go around?

What’s Different for You?

We need a particular set of circumstances to thrive. However, the basic need for food, water, and shelter are the same—the type and amount of affection need variation.

For instance, my older sister was the first grandchild near our paternal grandparents, who lived next door. When I came along twenty months later, the female caregivers in my life were overwhelmed. Dad took up the slack.

My favorite photo is of Dad giving me a bottle when I was two weeks old. He’s smoking a pipe with cherry-flavored tobacco. I’m propped up on his knees as he’s relaxing in bed. My face lights up, fixated on his smile and the smoke drifting upward.

To this day, I love the smell of cherry-flavored tobacco. Furthermore, I find the scent of cigarette smoke pleasant.

Accept All Aspects of Yourself

Even if it’s politically incorrect to enjoy the smoke, I’ve learned it’s okay for me. I also realized I didn’t particularly appreciate smoking myself. Still later, extensive allergy testing revealed an allergy to tobacco.

Start developing your most important relationship now. If you are unsure how to start, consider journaling. First thing in the morning is the best time to connect with the love that remains inside you. You are worthy.

Hope in this Lunar New Year

Do you feel the hope in this Lunar New Year of the Tiger. For you, how does that make you feel compared to the Ox in 2021 or the Rat in 2020? And why did I call it the Lunar New Year? Hasn’t it always been referred to as the Chinese New Year?

A Little Clarification

The Lunar New Year begins on the day of the first new moon. Although a calendar based on the cycle of the moon has been around for ages, we tend to associate it with China where it is celebrated big time. Whole extended families return home, celebrating together. In fact, we see dragon dances performed in large cities across the globe. And it isn’t a few days. Rather it goes on for over two weeks, culminating in the release of thousands of paper lanterns into the night sky on day fifteen, the night of the first full moon. Read more about this year’s celebration.

What is Your Lunar New Year Symbol?

As a child, I remember my family eating at a Chinese restaurant with paper placemats of the Chinese Zodiac. Each of us would find the year we were born and discover who we were. Well, not really. Still, I always noticed my father and I were both Snakes. Since we shared a curiosity and enjoyment of this creature, it seemed only natural. I’ve researched the elements a little more and found that I’m a Yin Water Snake. Dad was a Yin Earth Snake. Furthermore, all Snakes are Yin and all Tigers are Yan. Read more if you’re curious about the Chinese Zodiac animals.

It’s All About Hope

It’s easy to look at all manner of negativity in life. On the other hand, looking for positivity is just as easy. Last year we were stuck with the Ox and betrayed by the Rat in 2020. I’m counting on hope in this Lunar New Year of the Tiger to lift me to new heights of gratitude, connection, and strength in 2022. How about you?