Category: Connections

Our Reaction Can Decrease Stress

Our reaction can decrease stress. When the pressure of world events feels so heavy, there is only one lasting solution. We choose to adjust our response.

A Metaphor of Arrows

During my morning meditation with Anushka Fernandopulle with the app from Ten-Percent Happier, she asked me to imagine a troublesome event as an arrow piercing my body. It hurts. But when we take on even more stress in our reaction, the one indicator becomes many, piercing our flesh until we completely shut down.

How to Remove the Arrows

I will lead you through a meditation that gives you the tools to reduce stress in your body. When your body rests, the mind follows.

Furthermore, I invite you to record the next section as you read it aloud, going through the motions to give yourself time to breathe and relax for a ten-minute meditation. Then you can play the recording whenever you want a break from stress.

Take a Break from Stress

Sit or lie down in a comfortable position. For example, your feet are flat on the floor if you sit in a chair. Relax the belly.

If laying down, allow your feet to fall to the sides naturally. Relax your arms either alongside your body or resting on your belly. Close your eyes if you’d like, or have a soft gaze on the floor or your chest.

Softly inhale through your nose, gently releasing the exhale. Repeat this a few times while noticing any tension in the face or shoulders.

Now take a slightly deeper breath and release the tension in your face on the out-breath. Take another deep breath and release the tension in your shoulders on the out-breath. Once more, breathe in deeply. Notice where you hold tension in your body and release it on the out-breath.

Allow your breath to return to a normal rhythm.

As you gently breathe in and out, imagine a tiny splinter in the tense area of your body loosening its grip. The tiny sliver eases out more with each out-breath until it falls out and disappears.

Continue gently breathing in and out until you feel relaxed throughout your body.

Begin to move your fingers and toes, returning to a more awake state. Please open your eyes, perhaps fluttering them a little at first. Now, look at the objects in the room or the space around you.

Take a nice cleansing breath and begin a less stressful day or evening.

A Few Final Thoughts

It is easy to revert to an overstressed condition when we engage in spending time on our cell phones, watching the news, reading the newspaper, or rehashing world events with friends and family.

Our reaction can decrease stress. We can choose to act differently. For some, it is easiest to go cold turkey by silencing the cell phone or removing it to another room.

You can mute the news on the radio or television, change the channel, or remove yourself to a different room. Perhaps you can enjoy a book or go outside.

Be gentle with yourself. Take these suggestions as just that, suggestions. And always make changes one step at a time.

When Someone You Love Is Hurtful

When someone you love is hurtful, we often react in a way that isn’t healthy for us. And this can become a lifelong habit that is difficult to change.

Every week Elizabeth Heise’s Friday Stories drop into my inbox. Her post, “Sweet Little Lies,” immediately drew me in as I sang the refrain in my head. However, I saw an aspect of myself that I had utterly ignored halfway through.

The subsequent realization was that I was a liar too! OMG! Honesty is one of my BIG values. And I thought I was honoring it throughout my life. Instead, I was telling sweet little lies to try and make the people in my life love me. Every husband (three, so far) was the same. Sacrificing myself while hoping they would love me.

Here’s how my realization played out.
This morning’s Ten Percent Happier meditation was “Delighting in Pleasure.” As I chose to get a big hug as my pleasure thought, all I could do was cry. I was thinking about the beautiful hugs my Dad gave me, especially in his last few years. I stumbled through the 10-minute meditation and then began my Morning Pages. Of course, this experience was my focus.

During the next thirty minutes, the natural source of pain emerged. I’d spent my entire life sacrificing myself to get Mom to love me.

An Example of Patterning

What was the first thing Mom said to me when I visited her last week in the rehabilitation facility?

“I didn’t think you were coming back.”

She said this before in a fearful way. But, this time, her tone reeked with anger.

Settling into familiar patterns, I was shocked but lied about it. That is, I didn’t express it. Instead, I ignored the remark, pushing it down. Furthermore, I worked at lifting Mom’s mood.

An Opportunity to Grow

Through more journaling and self-care, I made a discovery. There is a better way to reply to hurtful comments from Mom. So I wrote down my plan, rehearsed it, and reminded myself to come from a place of love.

“That hurt my feelings, Mom.”

Then I practice silence. Slowly, by allowing and surrendering, I began feeling powerful and hopeful. Once again, I remembered there is one and only one person we can change – ourselves.

A smile begins to form. The feeling of loving-kindness fills my heart, and I can feel the former sensation of sacrifice drifting away. In its place is hope.

Sometimes a Single Step is Crucial

By saying what I felt, a new door opened up. I stepped through to a place of happiness.

Each step brings us closer to the change we seek.

Your Most Important Relationship

Your most important relationship is how you feel about yourself.

Perhaps you are thinking, “I’ve heard that one before!” Regardless, it bears repeating. The love we have or don’t have for ourselves affects the quality and success of all other relationships.

Early Relationships

Parents certainly rank up there in importance. We are born pretty helpless compared to other mammals. We all depend on mother’s milk, which is uniquely perfect for infants. Even if that doesn’t work out, the baby formula helps us grow. It’s the care and comfort of our caregiver that makes us thrive.

If there are older siblings, they can be important too. But are they confident of the love they receive? Is there enough love to go around?

What’s Different for You?

We need a particular set of circumstances to thrive. However, the basic need for food, water, and shelter are the same—the type and amount of affection need variation.

For instance, my older sister was the first grandchild near our paternal grandparents, who lived next door. When I came along twenty months later, the female caregivers in my life were overwhelmed. Dad took up the slack.

My favorite photo is of Dad giving me a bottle when I was two weeks old. He’s smoking a pipe with cherry-flavored tobacco. I’m propped up on his knees as he’s relaxing in bed. My face lights up, fixated on his smile and the smoke drifting upward.

To this day, I love the smell of cherry-flavored tobacco. Furthermore, I find the scent of cigarette smoke pleasant.

Accept All Aspects of Yourself

Even if it’s politically incorrect to enjoy the smoke, I’ve learned it’s okay for me. I also realized I didn’t particularly appreciate smoking myself. Still later, extensive allergy testing revealed an allergy to tobacco.

Start developing your most important relationship now. If you are unsure how to start, consider journaling. First thing in the morning is the best time to connect with the love that remains inside you. You are worthy.