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I’ll Bet You Didn’t Know

I’ll bet you didn’t know that I’m a suicide survivor.

But first, I want to share a happy memory of my husband, Pablo. It’s fall, my favorite season. We lived in Metro Denver, CO, and often planned trips to visit some national parks nearby. This trip was to see the Grand Canyon during Thanksgiving week. But first, we stopped at Zion National Park.

The flaming red maples along the Riverside walk at Zion National Park in Utah stirred my desire to remember this day, 11/22/2007. I stopped to take this photo as Pablo continued walking. I wonder now what was going through his mind. What emotions were stirring? Did he enjoy the quiet grandeur as much as I did?

What prompted me to do this now?

Although my Substack publication is about grief, I don’t mention that suicide is a part of my grief. I’ve never written publicly about being a suicide survivor.

My husband, Pablo, took his own life a little over ten years ago in September 2014. I thought the different therapists I saw after his life ended, the suicide survivor group, and the more recent grief recovery coaching would have worked some miracle healing.

It didn’t.

There are no miracles in grief healing.

The healing process has been slow, often hindered by my choices of avoidance, stuffing down emotions, and allowing guilt to invade my thoughts.

But a few painful realizations and aha moments mark my journey stepping up the staircase of grief toward joy.

One of the aha moments was realizing that writing about my relationship with my husband and his suicide might help someone alter the course of their lives positively.

The synchronicities continue

I’m reading these two books because I am also on Substack. Paul Crenshaw’s book, This One Will Hurt You,  is for a Book Club with Jeannie Ewing, and I was led to buy A Year to Clear.

I’m reading Stephanie Bennett Vogt’s book because I’m starting another home decluttering. I didn’t realize how much clutter was still in my home and my heart. Today, I start Day 9 in A Year to Clear.

suicide survivorAs I start each essay in This One Will Hurt You, I experience an element of fear. Will this one hurt me the most? Or will it make me laugh, like Of Little Faith did? Fear or not, I move forward. Life can be challenging, but we choose how to meet those challenges.

And Pablo still reaches out

Today, he feels nearby.

As I was writing this post, I looked up at the clock on my computer and saw 10:23 a.m. Pablo was born on October 23rd, and this time catches my attention multiple times each week. Today, it feels like a message from the other side: Pablo is with me, telling me it’s okay to share our story.

Does your loved one reach out to you beyond the veil?

I’d love to hear your tender experiences in the comments.

Winter is a Season to Cherish

Winter is a season to cherish, especially in the winter of your life.

This view from my desk was on January 11, 2025. I was still recovering from the flu and had no intention of dealing with the snow on my front steps. However, the stillness and purity of the white blanket across this scene gave me a sense of calmness that carried over into one of the best night’s sleep I’ve ever had.

We had warmer temperatures over the next few days, and the icy mess from this snow melted. I felt better each day and eventually dealt with the last remnants before the next snow arrived late last Sunday.

Snow Removal Joy

Then, the temperatures plummeted as the evening progressed. By Monday, the morning low was 13 F, and the high was 24 F. I prepared to remove the 2 inches of snow as soon as I awoke. This airy and light snow made a standard broom my best snow removal tool.

layering keeps me warmHere’s the layering I used over leggings and a cotton turtleneck during my outdoor winter chores.

My fingertips got a bit cold, but the rest of my body was fine as I swept off the front steps and a portion of the back deck. The blue gloves are the most unusual items in this assortment of banishers for winter’s cold. Here’s how they came into my life.

When I worked for the Denver Department of Environmental Health, I watered the plants of one of the scientists, Cindy B., while she was on vacation. She gave those gloves to me in thanks. They are called Foxgloves, and the tag said they were for gardening. That seemed ill-advised, and I never used them in the garden. However, I realized they were perfect as an added layer of insulation inside gloves when I shoveled snow off the sidewalks in front of my Littleton, CO, home before walking to the bus that took me to downtown Denver.

I think of Cindy with a smile every time I pull the Foxgloves over my hands, realizing winter is a season to cherish.

The Seasons of My Life

I am still excited to clear snow off surfaces like my front steps and back deck. In the spring of my life, as a child in Central Florida, I dreamed of experiencing the change of the seasons. I was in my mid-20s when I first saw snow on a skiing trip to Killington, VT.

I spent my summer years in Florida, which always seemed to be summer. We did have a break from the heat with annual visits to Downeast Maine. During my autumn years, I first experienced all the nuances of seasonal change when I lived and worked in Colorado.

Shortly after my retirement, I moved back to Florida for five years before the mountains lured me northward again.

Now, I embrace each day in the winter of my life, enjoying the goldfinches and juncos that visit my native meadows for winter seeds. Various birds find sustenance in the seed, fruit, and suet at the feeders, and a bird bath is warmed to keep the ice away.

As the winter’s hold loosens, Spring plants will begin to emerge. Although I love my native plant gardens, I also love spring bulbs. In my garden, there is room for plants that originated in different places, just as there is room in my life for people who chose to stay where they were born or who left to experience new places to live and thrive.

Nature Heals and Enriches

My need to be one with nature has brought me spiritual healing from grief, physical well-being, and joy as I delight in all the plants, animals, and people God has brought into my life.

I look forward to my next phase of life enriched with clarity, deeper truth, and purity as I release what feels heavy in my soul to embrace the wisdom and light of this sacred season of life.

My Second Covid-19 Experience

My second COVID-19 experience taught me a lot about how fear can be overcome with information and taking action.

Almost two years ago, I contracted COVID-19 when a woman sat in the empty seat next to me during a European cruise. A few days later, on a Sunday, I was staying with my nephew in Prague when he brought me the test kit. Although I was confirmed sick, I didn’t feel that bad and walked to a nearby park daily, keeping my distance from everyone. My nephew did not come down with COVID-19.

By Thursday, I was on my way home to North Carolina, masked and coughing up a storm. I felt terrible about being in public but felt I had no alternative. Once I landed, someone helped me find my car in the airport parking lot. Confusion and COVID are clearly linked in my experience. It was a long two hours before I sank into my bed.

Disclaimer: This story is for informational purposes only. Consult your local medical authority for advice.

The Beginning

I started writing this post on day 10 of my second Covid-19 experience. It began like the first time: with a sore throat. But I thought it was a cold and didn’t test myself until the third day of symptoms, a Saturday. I admit I felt a bit panicked, along with the mental confusion I attribute to the virus. Without anyone to immediately turn to, it’s scary knowing you are ill. My mind focused on a litany of what-ifs.

Then, a reminder about my massage on Monday popped up. Now, I had a focus.

I started letting the arrangers of all my future appointments know I had to cancel or reschedule. Also, the impending wintry weather canceled many of my appointments.

Looking for Sympathy First

Next, I texted my family, who were far away. They couldn’t help. Later, I realized I just wanted someone to feel sorry for me.
I’m always researching on the Internet and know how to identify sound medical advice. I easily found a checklist of what to do. But did it apply to my circumstances? On Sunday, I turned to life-long friends who were medical professionals. The person I placed the most hope in texted, “Stay home and rest. Happy New Year.” That level of concern felt like a kick in the gut. But it also helped me consider other types of help.

My Spiritual Friends and Community

As usual, I enjoy quiet time early each morning for meditation and prayer. During this peaceful time on Monday morning, I heard “Reiki.” Several of my friends are Reiki practitioners, as am I.
I started texting or emailing all these spiritual friends, asking for their healing and prayers. They responded by sending me Reiki and praying for my return to health. Since I’m a church member, I asked to have my name placed on my church’s prayer list. All these actions reminded me to administer self-Reiki at bedtime. By Tuesday, I felt markedly better.

And Another Type of Help

My testing kit didn’t have clear directions, so I Googled how to perform a self-test. A helpful YouTube video showed me how to administer the test, and immediately afterward, the video below began.

Abraham, a Pharmacist in England, created this video in November 2021. I found it extremely useful. My favorite part is the Google spreadsheet he shares in the informational section below the video.

First, I created a blank spreadsheet for the next time I get sick. Then, I started tracking my symptoms on a new spreadsheet. I also added a column to note if I could smell, often interpreted as the ability to taste. Since I’m a huge record keeper, I already had a note on my phone tracking my temperature.

I Checked with My Doctor, Too

I felt very good about the information I had found. But before considering sharing this, I left a message with my doctor to verify a few things. They agreed with my friend’s “Stay home and rest” message. They stressed that shortness of breath is the most important symptom that suggests a need for immediate medical intervention. But they also suggested that since I wasn’t experiencing any lung problems, it was okay to go out with a mask starting on the sixth day.

How am I Feeling Now?

Today is two weeks after my first symptoms. I have an occasional cough, and I’m somewhat tired. The confusion comes and goes.
During my morning meditation, I found some thoughts crystal clear. That gives me hope that, eventually, the fog will lift completely. I have to laugh as I read the last sentence. At my age, a little fog may always linger.

Life is Full of Ups and Downs

Some might think I’m angry about the two people who exposed me to the flu. You would be correct. And I was able to acknowledge that anger easily. However, there were some other circumstances in my past where anger wasn’t allowed.

I’m starting to read Rage Becomes Her by Soraya Chemaly, a book that might help me understand my feelings of anger. In a future post, I’ll share how this book affects my ability to deal with anger.

Disclaimer: This story, My Second Covid-19 Experience, is for informational purposes only. Consult your local medical authority for advice.